Write. No amount of self-inflicted misery, altered states, black pullovers or being publicly obnoxious will ever add up to your being a writer. Writers write. On you go.

As you are now you are just a liquid phenomenon, changing every moment, nothing stable. Really you cannot claim any “I” —- you don’t have one. You are many “I”s just in a flow, a riverlike flow. You are a crowd, not an individual yet. But meditation can make you an individual.